The Reason Victoria Has a Secret

I made a big mistake yesterday.....I mean BIG.

I took my husband on a very unpleasant outing.  I made him suffer through hours and hours of torment.  I did something no wife should ever, ever do....
I took Patrick jeans shopping with me.  As you can imagine, this was pretty close to the worst thing I could have possibly put him through and, as I type this the morning after, I regret it with every fiber of my being.

I happen to be lucky.  My husband is a great shopper.  He not only loves to shop for himself, but, he loves to help me, too.  Well, yesterday was not a pleasant, shopping experience.  Thanks.  To.  Me.  It started with the Mall of America being busier than the Superbowl.  Crowds make me crabby.   So, the saga begins.

First attempt at jeans?  The Gap.  Where else could I find decent denim at a decent price, right?  Nope.  Nothing. 

The Score
Jeans tried on:  5
Jeans purchased:  0

The mall is getting busier by the minute and my self esteem is shrinking at a fast pace.  Getting more annoyed.

On to an upscale, designer jeans store.  I'm ready, willing and able to drop the dollars needed for that PERFECT pair of jeans....if I could just find them.  The guy helping me only helped me for about 3 minutes.  Pretty sure he sensed I was, not only hopeless, but, getting crabbier by the minute.  My sweet husband stood by the fitting room door and waited as I shimmied and shook into more and more jeans...growing more depressed by the minute.  C'mon....I couldn't even get some past my calves.  Ug.

The Score
Jeans tried on:  10
Jeans purchased:  0

Self Esteem plummets.  Husband grows weary.  I am now, officially a crab.

One perk mid day....Bob from the Biggest Loser was at the mall playing the Kinect Biggest Loser game with fellow shoppers.  We got to see him from just feet away.  Fun to see....wish it had been Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear to save me from my shopping misery....but, way fun, none the less.  And, yes, he is just as cute in person.

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So, we pressed onward and, bless his heart, Patrick endured (while his patience was waning - wouldn't yours be?).  I was getting more and more depressed with each little reminder of just how much I've aged - and just how much more work I have to to in the area of diet and exercise - all of these reminders like daggers to the heart with each yank, pull and zip.  Sigh.

Off to Banana Republic, Nordstrom, The Buckle......let's just say that by this time, I am in meltdown stage and Patrick is officially walking at least five steps ahead of me and not daring to look back.  I'm pretty sure I heard other husbands who passed him, whisper, "Save Yourself, Man!"  It was ugly.  I am embarrassed to admit this....I definitely needed a time out.

The Final Score:
Jeans Tried On:  45
Jeans Purchased:  ZERO

I was left feeling like crap.  My fingernails were blue from all of the tugging and yanking.  My head hurt.  My heart hurt.  I felt sad and guilty for putting my husband through the torment.  I had lost the battle of woman vs jeans and it sucked.

So, I post this for two main reasons: 
1) To offer a public apology to my husband and every salesperson who crossed my path yesterday.  I was a woman on a mission who happened to be carrying a lot of baggage to which NO ONE should have to be exposed.

And...

2)  To remind women readers out there that there are some things to which our ever-loving husbands should not be privy.  I know.....duh.

After 5 years of marriage, I am really disappointed in myself for not seeing this coming, but, I guess every day we learn something new.  I think we can become too comfortable with our spouses.  I am now am opening my eyes to all of those little womanly nuances to which our husbands shouldn't be exposed....

*He does not need to see me bleaching my upper lip.

*Do not let him know that I have Spanx on under my little black dress.

*Under no circumstances should he listen to me rant about any petty drama with my girlfriends.

*Never make him endure the tears over a bad haircut.

*He does not need to know the precise details of Victoria's Secret push-up magic.

*Do not share my personal grooming tactics such as waxing, dying, or plucking.

*Call my mom, sister or girlfriend if I need to talk about my most recent diet over a glass of wine and a pizza.

*Don't make him listen to me belt out Taylor Swift while driving, showering or cleaning.

*And, last, he definitely does not need to witness me shopping for jeans.....ever.....again.

And, if you've been reading this blog for awhile now, you can probably guess....I am guilty of putting my husband through every one of the above horrors.  Honey, I'm deeply sorry.  The next time I try to put you through any of the above, you should take the advice of other husbands and run.  Really.

There is a reason, girls, why Victoria has her Secret.  How did I not see this connection earlier???

So, my suggestion, ladies?  Let's save our husbands.  Some things should be kept between us girls.  While marriage is an amazing thing - and sharing our lives is a beautiful gift, there are some things that our men should not be forced to endure.  That being said....do any ladies out there want to go jeans shopping with me next Saturday?

I didn't think so. 

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Lovely female shapes and woes are terrible complicators of the difficulties and dangers of this earthly life, especially for their owners.  ~George du Maurier